I’m depressed. Not in the cut my wrists, die my hair black, and rebel against society depressed… but just sad with my life. Last year I had the most amazing adventure of my life, I lived in three different countries, and traveled to another handful. I got to meet so many interesting people and see so many beautiful places. It was unlike anything I had ever known.
Now… now, I’m working at Starbucks. I’m living in Riverside, Ca, and i’m attending a community college. Not to mention i’ve moved back in with my parents. Needless to say my life has changed a little in the span of a few short months.
It’s hard to deal with such a huge change in my life, especially when I continue to see it as a change for the worse. I know that I could make it a lot easier on myself and a lot more enjoyable if I only changed my mindset and attitude about it, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Every time I remember how happy I was last year and all the amazing things I did, it almost seems disrespectful to those memories to have any fun in this boring, mundane life i’m currently living (And any of you who mock what i’ve just written have clearly never traveled extensively through another country or countries).
It’s hard to let go of the past… whether that past was good or bad, but especially when that past was amazing. It’s hard to let go and realize that what’s past is past and you can never have it again… when it was all you’d ever wanted. But I want to live in the present, and I want to plan for the future. There really is no point in living for the past when all we have is the present.
This entire post has just been me trying to convince myself to let go of the goal that i’ve already accomplished, the dream i’ve already lived… and look forward to a new goal and a new dream. But like all things, it’s a process. It won’t happen over night, and i’ll probably fall back into my melancholy now and again dreaming of days that were when days that are fall short of expectation.
That’s ok though, because in a few years, i’ll be back traveling. I’ll be doing things that I love with the person I love most in the world, and all this will seem just as small as insignificant as the year I had before I went abroad- the one where I worked my butt off, both in school and in work, saved like crazy, and never went out or did almost anything fun, so that I could fulfill my dreams of traveling the world for a year. Almost like a pregnant woman forgets the pain of labor after the birth of a beloved child, so I had forgotten the pain of hard work and self-control after the ecstasy of seeing my wildest dreams played about before me.
I’m going to try to spend my time remembering the year before my travels instead of the year of, to remind myself that at the end of each dark tunnel is a light of shining brilliance… we only have to keep walking to reach it.